Tuesday, November 3, 2009

On my Heart

Can I have a love relationship with you Lord? My only and true first love you are but my love for you at times seems to be misdirected....all the while I know your passion for me grows deeper.

I heard someone say that you never forget your first love....but how is it that our hearts can still be turned aside from you Lord? You HAVE singed my conscience and tattooed my mind. I mean you are all that I talk about and all that I think about but I desire that my heart be captured all over again. Remember? Like the first time. I honestly want, no, need you to ooze from every pour and be knit in every fiber of my being.

My soul thirsts for you in a dry and weary land where no water is.

Lord there is no water here. There is no water in this well. I feel as though I have run dry. So what else is there to do but to redig the wells and search for more water? Lord I am searching, longing for a word from you that will spark what was once in me but I haven't found it yet. So my search continues....but Lord I am getting weary. I try and do what I think is right but still I am not fulfilled. I read (your Word), I pray, I read books and blogs and listen to sermons about getting closer Lord closer...because after all you said that if I draw nigh unto you that you would draw nigh unto me? You said that right? So..WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN THIS WALK? WHY DO I QUESTION EVERYTHING THAT I SEE NOW LORD? WHY? Don't get me wrong, I have never doubted you nor your Word...NEVER. As a matter of fact that seems to be my only source of real life but Lord I know there is something I am missing Lord...so what am I missing? The Spirit of God lives in me (check), I am pursuing holiness in my everyday life (check), I am trusting you the best way I know how but there is something about you or about this walk or whatever that just seems to escape me...

It seems that I have complicated a relationship that used to be so simple, so pure. My self consciousness has distanced you some so I go through the motions so that people won't know how I struggle with you at times. They don't know when I go to talk with you I don't have many words but a grieving heart that remembers the conversations we used to have. I used to be confident in our relationship...but now...my devotions have failed me. I have begun to feel the weight of a chore. Almost like a HAVE to and not a WANT to. But here is the thing...YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED! YOU HAVE NOT MOVED ON ME! YOU WERE THE SAME GOD THAT I MET WHEN I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD. THE SAME GOD THE FORGAVE ME EVEN WHEN I KNOW I WASN'T DOING RIGHT BY YOU. YOU NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME AND DRAWING ME TO YOU EVEN WHEN I WAS A FORNICATOR, A DRUNKARD, A LIAR, A MANIPULATOR...A MISFIT. But now Lord...now that I am not any of those things anymore it seems as though I have lost a hold of our fellowship and our time together. Why do I shy away?

I hear you say, even now, that I cannot be righteous apart from Christ. That my righteousness is in Christ..so as I try to be what I have been made through Christ apart from Christ I will always feel the weight of a chore. I have not come to place a burden on you but that you might be free to live for me...to live in me.

Okay Lord so I ask that you free me...TODAY...of my chore and grant to me your pleasure in prayer and in reading your Word and even in fellowship with others(which has unfortunately become the biggest burden to me). Let none of these take place in my life as an obligation but as a joy. CONSISTENTLY. Teach me again how to pray as your Spirit guides and tutor me in your Word Lord and show me how to appreciate and love others as brothers and sisters and not as strangers. I'll live in you....I want to live in you. Just show me how Lord...

With ALL sincerety and out of a pure (yet broken) heart,


i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U.............little i loves big U.

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