Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I am NOT defeated

My last blog was an honest depiction of how I was feeling at the moment. I felt, in a way, a little defeated. Self defeated. I had allowed myself to be so consumed with myself that I was denying the truth of God operating in my life. While I do not believe that I was wrong for sharing what I was feeling at that time, I dare not allow it to be depicted as though my walk with Christ is not enjoyable to me. Anytime you focus so much on what is going on around you, you begin to become desensitized to the voice of God and you give the flesh leeway. You are able to become stressed out or over emotional or confused easily. Isaish 26:3 says that He will keep us in perfect peace if our minds are stayed on Him because we trust in Him. So, anytime negative thoughts begin to rise up and you want to throw a pity party for yourself, think about what Christ went through for you. He took on the shame of the cross so that you would not have to. The veil was rent so that we could boldly approach the throne of grace. If we can approach His throne boldy then how much more should we be able to live in boldness for Him just the same. God wants us to be confident to come to Him. He does not want us to shy away from Him FOR WHATEVER REASON. THERE IS NO EXCUSE THAT CAN BE GIVEN AS TO WHY WE CAN'T APPROACH GOD AS A FATHER, AS A FRIEND.

There is no reason to be ashamed before God..after all, He innocently suffered the shame of the cross. Be repentant YES but ashamed NO!!!! That is a trick of the enemy and definitely not conducive to a relationship with God.

So in all....I am NOT defeated you guys. I have no plans of turning my back on God but at times I tend to focus on the things that are of no value to me. I tend to think a lot about what people think of me when in actuality they aren't even worried about me. I allow the enemy to toy with my emotions and it causes me to separate myself from my brothers and sisters because I am under the impression that I am not good enough or not deep like they is ALL FUTILE, believe me, and has nothing to do with the I send notice to the devil today that YOU HAVE BEEN UNCOVERED HERE. I AM NOT DEFEATED AND AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR THROUGH CHRIST JESUS.

little i still loves big U. I can't do this without you Lord...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

On my Heart

Can I have a love relationship with you Lord? My only and true first love you are but my love for you at times seems to be misdirected....all the while I know your passion for me grows deeper.

I heard someone say that you never forget your first love....but how is it that our hearts can still be turned aside from you Lord? You HAVE singed my conscience and tattooed my mind. I mean you are all that I talk about and all that I think about but I desire that my heart be captured all over again. Remember? Like the first time. I honestly want, no, need you to ooze from every pour and be knit in every fiber of my being.

My soul thirsts for you in a dry and weary land where no water is.

Lord there is no water here. There is no water in this well. I feel as though I have run dry. So what else is there to do but to redig the wells and search for more water? Lord I am searching, longing for a word from you that will spark what was once in me but I haven't found it yet. So my search continues....but Lord I am getting weary. I try and do what I think is right but still I am not fulfilled. I read (your Word), I pray, I read books and blogs and listen to sermons about getting closer Lord closer...because after all you said that if I draw nigh unto you that you would draw nigh unto me? You said that right? So..WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN THIS WALK? WHY DO I QUESTION EVERYTHING THAT I SEE NOW LORD? WHY? Don't get me wrong, I have never doubted you nor your Word...NEVER. As a matter of fact that seems to be my only source of real life but Lord I know there is something I am missing what am I missing? The Spirit of God lives in me (check), I am pursuing holiness in my everyday life (check), I am trusting you the best way I know how but there is something about you or about this walk or whatever that just seems to escape me...

It seems that I have complicated a relationship that used to be so simple, so pure. My self consciousness has distanced you some so I go through the motions so that people won't know how I struggle with you at times. They don't know when I go to talk with you I don't have many words but a grieving heart that remembers the conversations we used to have. I used to be confident in our relationship...but devotions have failed me. I have begun to feel the weight of a chore. Almost like a HAVE to and not a WANT to. But here is the thing...YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED! YOU HAVE NOT MOVED ON ME! YOU WERE THE SAME GOD THAT I MET WHEN I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD. THE SAME GOD THE FORGAVE ME EVEN WHEN I KNOW I WASN'T DOING RIGHT BY YOU. YOU NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME AND DRAWING ME TO YOU EVEN WHEN I WAS A FORNICATOR, A DRUNKARD, A LIAR, A MANIPULATOR...A MISFIT. But now that I am not any of those things anymore it seems as though I have lost a hold of our fellowship and our time together. Why do I shy away?

I hear you say, even now, that I cannot be righteous apart from Christ. That my righteousness is in as I try to be what I have been made through Christ apart from Christ I will always feel the weight of a chore. I have not come to place a burden on you but that you might be free to live for live in me.

Okay Lord so I ask that you free me...TODAY...of my chore and grant to me your pleasure in prayer and in reading your Word and even in fellowship with others(which has unfortunately become the biggest burden to me). Let none of these take place in my life as an obligation but as a joy. CONSISTENTLY. Teach me again how to pray as your Spirit guides and tutor me in your Word Lord and show me how to appreciate and love others as brothers and sisters and not as strangers. I'll live in you....I want to live in you. Just show me how Lord...

With ALL sincerety and out of a pure (yet broken) heart,


i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U i love U.............little i loves big U.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Why Brian Welch Walked Away

Why did God put us on this earth? I believe He put us here to love us.

This is an awesome testimony of God's love.