Influences and Expectations

Have you seen me? Are you familiar with me? Do you know what I look like? Can you tell me what's in my heart? Have I made myself unknowable to you? Am I not who you remember me to be? Am I not who I should be? Who you want me to be? You see, I struggle with my identity because I'm trying to find the line between who I am and what God has made me to be. God made me...HE made me. All of me and He knows every hair on my head. He knows what's in my heart and what's on my head. He knows me and I am convinced of that but I wish He would clearly make me known to me. The influences and expectations surround me seek to form me and make me into what they feel I should be but I don't feel like that's me. I am me..whoever I am....and sometimes I feel like I can be alright with me until they tell me that's not who I'm really supposed to be.

I guess my prayer in this here is, "Lord, teach me to be me and who YOU made me to be. Help me to understand me and make amends with your Spirit that lives in me. I think I may try too hard to maintain the uniqueness that I know is me but where is the line drawn between my what's flesh and what's you in me. I read your Word and I believe I know your way but sometimes I don't feel that I am doing it right...I don't want to disappoint you or let you down. I know you enough to know what things in me that aren't anything like you and I know me enough to identify those things. But Lord, what about my personality and my temperment and the way I process things? The things that I honestly feel are a part of who and how you made me? Sometimes I feel that everything about me is wrong. What I choose to say and the way I choose to say it. How I feel sometimes and the way I choose to express it. Whose mold should I fit in? I say yours but is your mold for me the same as she or he? Have you customized us or are we all the same...should we all be the same. Now I agree we should be like minded as believers as in to say that we should have the mind of Christ but does that mean we will conform to each other? There is a difference in conforming to you but we tend to conform to the earthly examples we see. We are prey to influence and expectations and sometimes I am afraid that the influence may be godly and the expectation as well but the measuring stick we set according to man's standard's and not your heavenly standard. Compared to you Jesus we all fall short and I am fine with that. You are SUPREME and I am right glad about it but Lord I want to be me....in You of course, but me. Not the sinful, carnal disobedient me but the silly, goofy and laid back me. The me that smiles during praise & worship and the me that loves to hear your name. The me that loves people but may not open up to them right away. The me that is innovative and creative and loves new ideas. The me that understands ignorance but does not accept it. The me that wants to be cool but not ay the expense of mine or anyone else's soul. The me that just wants to know you more and more as YOU influence me according to YOUR expectation. As you have assigned us all an assignment and a purpose, haven't you also given us everything that we need to bring it to completion? Doesn't that mean my purpose will require me to be a certain way and differentiatied from the person that sits next to me? Honestly, I don't want to be like everybody else.

I know you know where my heart is. I pray that the meditations therein be acceptable in your sight.